miscarriage

The Gate

He didn’t look back. Didn’t turn to look at my face when I spoke to him. He released himself from my arms and charged in. Through the gate, across the playground and into the arms of others, becoming part of a world that is now apart from me. His head bobbed up and down, thenContinue reading “The Gate”

The Three

Last night I watched the penultimate episode of The Handmaid’s Tale, you know, that series when a dystopian society goes, well, bad. Where religion is used as a cruel tool of coercive control to dehumanise humanity; where women’s reproductive rights, already under insidious attack by a flatlining global birth rate, ecological collapse, and our legallyContinue reading “The Three”

The Garden

At 43, I’m now too old to be sucked into the social media whitewash, the flat lay of life, the comparison battering belief that others are doing it better, harder, faster, stronger. I’m on the ‘gram but I don’t reel-ly ‘use’ Instagram (sorry, not sorry). Alex’s elder brothers next door have showed me enough TikContinue reading “The Garden”

The Sabbatical

It was billed as a sabbatical, a 12 month break after many years in the work game. I was leading a high profile project taken on a month after silently miscarrying our first baby. Sixteen months later, a third failed IVF round had me, and other well-meaning friends and colleagues, scapegoating the job and stressContinue reading “The Sabbatical”

The Mother’s Day

How does time do it? How does it have this emotional rebound and distance function? Years can feel like yesterday. Yesterday like years. Everything yet nothing can change in twelve months. We spend a good part of our lives wishing we were in the next place, convinced it will come with exceptional cerebral bonus, that we’llContinue reading “The Mother’s Day”

The Veil

When Professor Nick Macklon told me to get both vaccines and go and enjoy the summer, I didn’t need to be told twice. There was – literally – nothing else for it. First we went to Wales and climbed Snowdon. Then we were both beasted at work and I had to deliver a project withContinue reading “The Veil”

The Professional

It was like something out of Love Island, except I wasn’t fifteen years younger, didn’t have a swimsuit flossing my lady garden and Dr Alex George – presumably by virtue of his absence – was down the road at University Hospital Lewisham, hopefully not being rejected by his patients as he was by the ladiesContinue reading “The Professional”

The Nike

It’s the part of IVF that everyone hopes they’ll never get to. The round which you know in your bones is going to be your last. The one where you’ve been through so many iterations of yourself along the way you know there’s nothing and nobody left other than to turn up, check that bitterContinue reading “The Nike”

The Resolution

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even the Tilderbeast dreaming of a mouse. The thoughts, the longing, the fifth Christmas without, The presents weren’t there It wasn’t what this festive season was about. Gratitude, worry and fear Apart from friends and family, with Covid tooContinue reading “The Resolution”

The Demon

“I just listened to your BLAW week post on Sophie Martin’s insta and I am weeping in the kitchen,” the text said. “I am just so proud of you for doing this. What you’ve been going through is a massive mountain of grief and uncertainty and I wish so much that I could take justContinue reading “The Demon”