love

The Landfall

Can I begin please with the elephant in the room? This Baby Loss Awareness Week I’m writing from a place we didn’t dare hope to be: parenting a live child. I have the simultaneous privilege and heart wrench of listening to our son’s cries, his colic and reflux being tended to relentlessly by his daddy.Continue reading “The Landfall”

The Mother’s Day

How does time do it? How does it have this emotional rebound and distance function? Years can feel like yesterday. Yesterday like years. Everything yet nothing can change in twelve months. We spend a good part of our lives wishing we were in the next place, convinced it will come with exceptional cerebral bonus, that we’llContinue reading “The Mother’s Day”

The Nike

It’s the part of IVF that everyone hopes they’ll never get to. The round which you know in your bones is going to be your last. The one where you’ve been through so many iterations of yourself along the way you know there’s nothing and nobody left other than to turn up, check that bitterContinue reading “The Nike”

The Resolution

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even the Tilderbeast dreaming of a mouse. The thoughts, the longing, the fifth Christmas without, The presents weren’t there It wasn’t what this festive season was about. Gratitude, worry and fear Apart from friends and family, with Covid tooContinue reading “The Resolution”

The Demon

“I just listened to your BLAW week post on Sophie Martin’s insta and I am weeping in the kitchen,” the text said. “I am just so proud of you for doing this. What you’ve been going through is a massive mountain of grief and uncertainty and I wish so much that I could take justContinue reading “The Demon”

The Letter

Our darling Pumbaa, I cannot believe it has been four and a half years of what might have been, since I last felt and carried you. For most of our friends, this chronological time frame has seen a whole raft of life change: new homes, new jobs, new babies. I guess this is true forContinue reading “The Letter”

The Tilderbeast

Somewhere between the veil of sleep and dreaming I was awake, a piercing sound came up the stairs. I was alone, with our second embryo safely tucked up in my HRT sponsored, 1000 thread count womb lining. Sleep was already fitful. Fuck, I thought. This is it. South East London and I’m finally about toContinue reading “The Tilderbeast”

The Walrus

Father’s Day, another bittersweet celebration in the trying to bring a live baby home calendar. You just can’t get a break can you? Like Mother’s Day it makes you nostalgic, sad and emotional even if you don’t bloody want to be. It shines a light on what you have and haven’t; the relationship you haveContinue reading “The Walrus”